Top Five Music Scandals Which Never Actually Happened

By Emily Carney

Author’s note: This piece is almost entirely fictionalized. Enjoy.

5. Midge Ure’s Backstage Throwdown With Bob Geldof, 1985

In the 1980s Midge Ure was best known as the lead singer of mope rockers Ultravox, while Bob Geldof was best known as the husband of Paula Yates and a guy who really, really liked money. He also did some philanthropist work. In 1985, both men mobilized their talents for the massive rock concert known as Live Aid.

“This is what you’ll get, Ure!”

From the start, both men began to butt heads. Geldof insisted he wanted to sing his one hit song, “I Don’t Like Mondays,” every half hour during the concert to remind people that he actually did music at one point in his life. Ure was unimpressed and began to think Geldof was being self-aggrandizing. Despite these setbacks and minor conflicts, rehearsals for the concert pressed on, and both men put up a “united” front for the press.

Things came to a head on the day of Live Aid itself. As Ultravox performed their solemn hit “Vienna” on stage, Geldof busted onto the stage directly in front of Ure carrying a flying-V guitar and began a searing yet incomprehensible emo (although it technically didn’t exist yet) rendition of “I Don’t Like Mondays.” Unreleased footage from the festival shows Ure to be disgusted and bewildered. After Geldof was done making a mockery of Ultravox, both men quietly went backstage. It was there that Ure gave Geldof the beatdown of his life. Both men were separated from each other after completely destroying the backstage area.

After this skirmish, a clearly gullible Ure again befriended Bob Geldof. They even pretended to be pals for the Live 8 concerts, but Geldof still bears scars to this day of his savage attack by synthesizer from a rage filled Midge Ure . . .

4. Heaven 17 vs. The Human League, 1980 – ongoing

In 1980, the Human League’s Martyn Ware and Ian Craig Marsh parted ways with glammed up lead singer, Phil Oakey. This parting was engineered by the League’s manager, Bob Last, who wanted to make Phil into a pop star flanked by some inert sidemen and hot Goth female singers who couldn’t dance. Martyn Ware was extremely angered by this turn of events, and channeled his frustrations into an unreleased solo project, a single called “The Girls Are Slags.”

Phil Oakey and his giant nipple.

This in turn angered Oakey, who was unsuccessfully attempting to get horizontal with both females in the “new” Human League lineup. Phil then released an answer song to Ware, which was produced with an erstwhile Giorgio Moroder, called “Our Albums Were Never Hits (With Your Ass in Charge).” This song was later remixed to underground dance floor acclaim by Dare producer Martin Rushent, and predated “Don’t You Want Me,” the League’s 1980 megahit.

Things were about to take a turn for the worse. Ware and Marsh reunited with singer Glenn Gregory in Heaven 17, and made an entire album (unreleased) called Phil Oakey Likes to Wear Women’s Clothes. Phil, while being incensed, admitted he liked an occasional pair of high heels and released yet another “diss” record, “Those Guys Are Gay.” This immature stab at Heaven 17 was not a hit for Oakey, and the record died out; Rushent revamped this song for Pete Shelley, but even the ex-Buzzcocks singer wouldn’t touch it.

Things reached a boiling point in 1981 when both bands crossed paths at a taping of the music show Top of the Pops. Ware and Oakey got in a knock-down, drag-down fight in which Oakey’s hair weave was torn to shreds, and Ware’s Roland System 100 keyboard was destroyed by a bottle of champagne. Both sides eventually were separated by armed guards, and relations never entirely returned to normal.

In later years, Heaven 17 and the Human League would continue to churn out synth pop hits. Ware would eventually pen an angry memoir about his years in the Human League called Phil Oakey’s Hair Plugs, and Other Reasons Why I Hate Him; Oakey became the face of cosmetics giant Maybelline and hawked their Great Lash mascara and Shine Free Pressed Powder.

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