Top Five Music Scandals Which Never Actually Happened

1. Courtney Love’s “Missing” Millions

After Courtney Love’s 2004 crack cocaine- and Ambien-fueled appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, she realized that approximately $500 billion had been stolen from her accounts. This is, of course, an approximation of monies she had received over her lifetime, including but not limited to Nirvana’s album sales, her own album sales, ill-fated forays into high couture, a 1995 loan from Drew Barrymore, and a small fee she received when she was “forced” to make some anonymous guy suck her left breast in front of a New York City branch of Wendy’s, the popular fast food franchise.

“Guess what? I’m not wearing any amicus briefs.”

A clearly miffed Love aired her grievances in an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC’s news show 20/20 during which she coined the phrase “crack is not making a comeback” (when asked about her “alleged” drug use) and asked her various drug dealers to “show her receipts” of “alleged” drug invoices. Inexplicably, Bobby Brown, formerly of the 1980s R&B band New Edition, appeared to support Ms. Love’s claims about money stolen (and confirmed that she ABSOLUTELY DID NOT engage in any sort of drug use, imagined, real, or otherwise).

While nobody really believed Ms. Love’s claims, the FBI and the CIA were forced to become involved in the matter, which became one of the biggest embezzlement cases known to humankind. In the landmark US Supreme Court case Love vs. Every Cobain in America, it was found that everyone ever bearing the surname “Cobain” had personally pilfered funds from Love’s accounts. 2,098,768 credit cards, in fact, had existed in Courtney Love’s name.

This case set the precedent that absolutely no one could use funds from a fading 1990s rock singer to buy drugs OF ANY SORT. The 28th Amendment, ratified unilaterally in 2008, was created due to this court case. In a related scandal, Aerosmith issued a personal apology to America after the creation of this Constitutional amendment.

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