Sex, Death, and Philip Michael Thomas: The Five Most Incomprehensible Music Videos of the 1980s (In No Particular Order)

By Emily Carney

You are getting verrrry sleepy. . .

1. Philip Michael Thomas, “Just the Way I Planned It” (1985)
In 1985, Philip Michael Thomas was better known as one half of a crime-fighting duo in the TV show Miami Vice. If memory serves me correctly, Vanity 6 and Phil Collins (complete with a balding mullet) made cameo appearances on the show. Naturally, it seemed like an obvious career booster for Philip Michael Thomas to make his own album of electro-tinged R&B hits, right? This video is meant to make PMT (his initials, really) look “sexy” and “wild” as he cavorts with some very new wave-looking dancing chicks.

This video instead displays his rather awkward dancing skills, and his copious usage of Jheri Curl activator in his hair. Ten to eighteen seconds into the video, it is clear that the Robot Dance is being misused in a way it never has been before. The bad graphics (laser lights, strobe lights, and an “all-seeing” third eye green-screened 1980s-style into PMT’s forehead) just add to the entirely misguided attempt at 1980s music video-making. This video also has pretty much absolutely nothing to do with the actual song. Another highlight: at the 1:00 mark into the video it looks like PMT has been decapitated, and for some reason strobe lights are coming out of his head. Oh, dear. . . later Don Johnson (PMT’s other half on the show) decided to do music as well. I won’t even get into that.

Explosion Imminent. . . IMMINENT!

2. Ultravox, “Dancing With Tears in My Eyes” (1984)
A mercifully short synopsis of this video, for those of you who don’t want to have to endure the most depressing, supremely fucked-up 4 minutes, 27 seconds of your existence: a nuclear power plant happens to melt down in Ultravox singer Midge Ure’s backyard. Midge is driving home, and is caught up in the middle of meltdown-related-pandemonium in the streets.

He eventually gets home to his tearful wife, who happens to be knocking back a tall bottle of champagne to celebrate Rapture. They put their daughter to bed (also very tearfully) as they know that this is the last time they’ll ever see her alive. All of the sudden this masterpiece becomes a bad Marvin Gaye video, as they decide the best way to go out is naked and writhing against each other. The Apocalypse ensues. And scene! This video ruined my life as a kid.

Billy Squier really needs to get rocked.

3. Billy Squier, “Rock Me Tonight” (1984)
Billy Squier’s attempt to convince female video watchers of his sexiness with dance moves fails heroically in 1984’s “Rock Me Tonight.” Of course, he starts the video partially undressed in bed, promising the ladies of the world that they will get a skinny guy with shellacked Richard Marx hair when they share a bed with him. Part of the problem with this video is Billy’s clothes. He appears to be wearing an outfit that even 1980s-era Sting wouldn’t go near: a strategically ripped T-shirt with ultra-snug white Spandex pants, paired with what looks like Keds. This was not really a hot look, even for its time.

. . . But the dancing is what really puts this video over the top. Here is one highlight: at 49 seconds into the video, Mr. Squier slides around on the floor crawling wantonly (to the ladies of the world, naturally), so unchained by his lusts that he just wants to roll around on the carpet in his 1980s apartment. He appears to live alone, hilariously enough. When I was six, I actually saw the world premiere of this video on MTV. I was as mystified by it then as I am now! I still have no idea why this video was meant to be serious.

“Yeah, whatever. Keep dreaming, dude.”

4. Peter Godwin, “Emotional Disguise” (1982)
A previous selection from Peter Godwin’s prodigious video catalogue can be found in the article “Peter Godwin’s Porn Purgatory” from the January/February issue of Popshifter. Peter Godwin’s first single from his long out-of-print 1982 album Dance Emotions was a ditty entitled “Emotional Disguise.” This song encompasses the complexity of love, betrayal, and “waiting for apathy to change” all to a catchy Italo-disco beat. While the song is compelling, the video itself—like some of Mr. Godwin’s other videos—has a dated 1980s feel. The video features Godwin, looking like a slightly trashier version of Bryan Ferry, attempting to seduce a young lady via a hot game of Tarot cards. This doesn’t work, and in a series of sepia-tinted photographic vignettes we see the girl attempting to brush off the advances of a very enthusiastic Mr. Godwin. The sepia-tint guarantees that we will view Mr. Godwin’s relationship struggles as being indicative of his serious “artistic temperament.” The video’s action all takes place at a “classy” cocktail party chock full of extremely attractive, vaguely European-looking people.

While the entire theme of the video (adultery?) fits the song itself well, the photographic vignettes fall victim to early 1980s video graphics. Instead of appearing like photographs, they look more like templates for those “Excellence” and “Motivation” posters we see in dentists’ offices and banks. One almost expects a caption to pop up at any time: “Horniness. . . It makes you desperate.” At the song’s end, Godwin is seen looking dangerously emo, pouting whilst standing on a desolate beach, not getting any sexual resolution whatsoever with the nameless girl. This theme—sexual frustration with random women—is addressed infamously in his other music video offerings.

“You don’t drag me down, Steve. . .
I drag me down, me!
And you… you complete me!”

5. The Human League, “Love Action (I Believe in Love)” (1981)
This video begins with a wedding, seemingly between two of the members of the Human League. The League’s lead singer, a very prettily made-up Phil Oakey, shows up to the wedding and watches from a balcony. Some bad acting ensues, as the dark-haired bride realizes Phil Oakey is there. She obviously wants him gone as his hot, New Wave looks are completely distracting her. Around this point, Phil turns around in his stonewashed jean jacket and sings, “Don’t kid yourself, you’ve seen it all before” after sliding down a window dejectedly. He has probably left a huge film of Maybelline Shine-Free pressed powder and Aqua Net residue on the window. For some unknown reason, two other members of the Human League have decided to conduct surveillance by wiretapping the wedding.

Some other interesting situations arise. The blonde-haired female member of the Human League flips out and starts busting up a hotel room (it is less scary than it sounds). Phil watches the chicks of the band at the hotel, breaks out into a dodgy rap in the middle of the song, and goes to a movie theater which is, incidentally, showing the soft-core porn movie Emmanuelle. The video ends with all of the members of the collective known as the Human League running into each other at the theater, and giving each other jealous, haughty looks.

“Eat your heart out, Blanche Devereaux!”

Honorable Mention: Carl Lewis, “Break It Up” (1987)
U.S. Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis once attempted to break into the world of synth pop and music videos. This video is what happened. Carl later left the music business after very publicly mangling the U.S. National Anthem at a basketball game.

Thanks to Steve and Shayne for inspiration.