The Five Movies I Would See If I Were Actually Going to TIFF (Which I’m Not)

By Jeffery X Martin

Baskin

If you’re looking around town and noticing a lack of Beautiful People, don’t be alarmed. This week, they’re all in Canada for the Toronto International Film Festival. They’re hobbing their nobs, going to movies, shaking hands at fancy parties and sleeping in theatre lobbies to make sure they don’t miss an anticipated showing. Obviously, I’m not there. I’m not beautiful enough. I’m sitting on my couch watching wrestling matches from the mid-nineties. But man, if I were there at TIFF, with all of those pretty folks, these are the five movies I would punch Stephen Harper in the balls to see.

BASKIN:

This Turkish movie about police officers who stumble upon a Satanic cult looks dark, unsettling and bloody. The hope is that this one gets truly weird, and early buzz is good.

THE WITCH:

Early American rural homesteaders fall prey to religious frenzy and grimy evil befalls them. The preview plays out like a mud-covered sequel to The Village.

HELLIONS:

A pregnant teen is the victim of a home assault led by creepy trick or treaters. It looks like a great combination of the French movie Ils and living in Detroit.

PORTAL TO HELL!!!

In his final film role, my personal hero, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper fights Cthulhu. If that doesn’t sell you on the movie, nothing else I could possible say will.

THE DEVIL’S CANDY:

An artist moves his family to Texas and gets possessed by Satan. I imagine that’s what happens when you move to Texas, anyway.

Someday, I’ll get to go Toronto and walk around with filmmakers and movie stars, and that will be amazing. In the meantime, oh, look! It’s a ladder match! Time to start drinking.