Five Things That Truly Terrify Me About Halloween

By Jesse Roth

5. There are strange phenomena known as “hell houses.”

Earlier this decade, I happened upon several articles and a rather interesting (and frightening) documentary dealing with a relatively recent Halloweentime event. Inspired by both the creative possibilities and horror potential of the haunted house, as well as their own ultraconservative evangelical beliefs, several churches across the southern United States were inviting the public to tour their “hell houses.” For a nominal fee (or sometimes for free), tour goers could navigate an otherwise typical but intricately decorated haunted house that substitutes ghouls and chainsaw assassins for graphic depictions of both biblical and modern “sin” (adultery, abortion, etc.). At the end of this joyride, members of the sponsoring church would invite members to absolve their various sins by committing their lives to Jeebus, and maybe some gratis candy and cider.

Traced back to an Assembly of God church in Texas and popularized by pop culture’s number one “fan,” Reverend Jerry Fallwell, in the 1970s, hell houses are controversial both within and outside the Christian community. The Christians don’t like the focus on conversions over lifelong commitment to their movement, while the rest of us just resent the houses for bastardizing a cherished Halloween tradition and perpetuating the “land of crazy religious zealots” tag the South has earned (and at times cherished) over the years. Haunted Houses are meant to provoke and manipulate your worst fears and your wallet, but the motivations have always ended at that. Patrons are meant to walk away frightened or disappointed by the special effects and acting, not reciting bible verses and regretting all that premarital sex and their brief experimentation with Wicca. By presenting themselves as a typical haunted house, hell houses deceive people with the promise of trivial horror, treating them instead to the joy of religious propaganda. . . and apparently conveniently forgetting all those Bible passages about lying.

4. There are anti-Halloween freaks who will try and ruin your fun with poorly designed brochures.

When I was about eight or nine, my dad decided to take me to our local mall’s Halloween celebration, a fun gathering where kids could dress in their holiday finest and visit each store in the mall for some desperately needed candy satisfaction. I was incredibly excited about the prospects of this evening, as I’d be attending it in addition to my regular Halloween night route around my neighborhood. The prospects of double the candy must have had me a little giddy. After all these years, I can only remember one thing about that night: the Halloween/Satan brochure. Handed out by a nondescript older lady in an even more nondescript store, it came attached to a lollipop that appeared to be some solidified mixture of toxic poisons and grape Robitussin.

Photo from Godless Wonder blog
“Church’s Anti-Halloween Flyer Upsets Family,” WFMY News 2

Already weirded out by the looks and presentation (“A brochure? I can’t eat that!”), I disregarded this portion of my loot until I returned home and showed it to my mom. Displaying some sort of late 1970s design aesthetic and drenched in the ugly browns and oranges representative of that era, the pamphlet was a big ploy to teach kids my age that (1) Halloween was an evil Satanist holiday and (2) I could avoid the temptations and eventual fate of celebrators and other devil worshipers by saying a bunch of prayers and accepting Christ. The whole thing was strange and rather surprising, given that most people who choose to participate actively in the fun of Halloween aren’t the ones bothering to crusade against it as an unholy celebration. Then again, history is littered with tons of folks who take this avenue to get their message (no matter how stupid) across to the masses. (See “Hell Houses” above.)

Ever since that time, I’ve noticed flyers occasionally decorating cars around Halloween, advertising similar messages of anti-Halloween religious insanity. Most of the time I ignore them, but on other occasions, the sight of them makes me angry, wondering why these holy rollers can’t just let kids be kids without worrying about their mortal souls (and potentially ruining some of the greatest moments of their lives).

3. There will always be houses in your neighborhood doing it half-assed.

There was always at least one in my neighborhood, maybe even five or six. These were people who treated October 31 like it was January 31, never putting so much as a cardboard cutout of a ghost in the living room window to celebrate the ghoulish children and their quest for sugar highs. No, the spooky darkness of these neighbor’s houses was not meant to scare, but to deter people like me from even going within 50 feet of the property.

Photo © Snickerpuss

Of course, I can forgive these people. Maybe Halloween was against their religion, or maybe they were just going to be out-of-town during the holiday and didn’t want to bother with decorations they’d never be able to enjoy. Instead there were two other groups who would earn my scorn: (1) The “porch bowl” people and (2) The Sugarbusters.

Porch bowl people were okay with the whole handing out candy business, but were unwilling to go through the motions of greeting the children, admiring their costumes, and actually handing out the goods themselves. Instead, they deemed it perfectly okay to just leave a forlorn bowl of candy (usually of the crappy variety) out on a dimly lit front porch for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters to pick through in a highly undemocratic fashion. This typically led to the poor bowl being ravaged for all its true value within the first five minutes of dusk, leaving late arrivals to pick at the scraps and wonder why they wasted their time laboring up the driveway in the first place.

Sugarbusters were the folks that might as well have taken after the Porch Bowlers, given the crappy nature of their well-meaning but “missing the point” offerings. Likely concerned citizens disgusted by the childhood obesity epidemic, or dentists wishing to spare the glut of new patients guaranteed by sugar overindulgence, these “treat”-givers would hand out things like sugarless gum or toothbrushes to unsuspecting becostumed children, children who would make mental notes never to bother with that house again next year. After all, couldn’t they just indulge a little toothicide once a year?

2. Heidi Klum and Seal (and the rest of the celebrity set) will totally upstage even my most “brilliant” costume idea.

The last couple of weeks of October tends to be the start of what I’ll call the Hollywood Halloween season. Troll any celebrity blog or wire photo service and you’ll find thousands of photos snapped at the “hottest” parties, with many of these photos highlighting some rather brilliant costume ideas. Sometimes the costumes happen to upstage your own, or are so dead on that you shelve your own idea out of shame. When I laid eyes on Cindy Crawford’s impressive Amy Winehouse ensemble last year, I cancelled my own plans for dressing up as the singer, knowing I didn’t have the money or technique to pull it off the way she had.

In recent years, model Heidi Klum and her husband, singer/songwriter Seal, have become the unofficial king and queen of the Halloween party set. Their costume combinations are always complementary of each other, never wandering into the dreadful categories of “cutesy” or “played out.” Each year brings another carefully thought out combination of characters-and-costume, makeup, outfits, and adornments that leave me awestruck. How did they think of that? How did they put that together?

The cynical part of me wants me to immediately credit their assistants, wardrobe specialists, and other hired help as their true source of inspiration. After all, that snark switch flips rather quickly for most of the celebrities I see on these same sites. When it comes to Heidi and Seal, however, I find myself believing that they really do just have a great sense of style and humor about Halloween. Maybe they don’t take themselves so seriously and simply embrace the season, enjoying the opportunity to drop the pretenses and become a totally outrageous character for a night the way us common folk do.

1. All over the country, pockets of girls will suddenly get the idea that dressing sexy/skanky is both a creative and viable Halloween costume option.

No matter where you go this Halloween, be it a friend’s party, trick-or-treating, or a bar-sponsored event, you will see them amongst the throngs of more inspired costumes. Donning everything from the boring “sexy” devil/angel/French maid ensemble to straight-up lingerie picked up last-minute from the local Victoria’s Secret, you’ll spot the “skanks for a night.” They are otherwise attractive young women who think Halloween is a great excuse for showing it all off for the sake of cheap attention, foregoing any creativity or self-respect for this chance to have eyes all on them.

Now calm down there, appreciators of the scantily clad females! I know very well your arguments for why I should just get over my resentment. After all, what’s wrong with showing skin and giving some cheap thrills? I guess I should inform the drooling brethren that, believe it or not, my disdain for these ladies does not come from a place of envy. Rather I am simply disappointed in the lack of creativity.

There are a million costume ideas out there, both original and retro, that meet the cute/sexy criteria while still allowing for some creativity and avoidance of the negative attention (from both guys and girls) the skank set is bound to receive. A girl can still show off her beauty and brains with her version of Holly Golightly without having to be a yawn-inducing Holly Madison knock-off. Of course, your results may vary.

My own attempts to woo a crush (dressed as Flava Flav) working the Audrey Hepburn angle one year were met with rejection. Nevertheless, my dignity (and clothes) remain(s) intact.