Ten Valentine’s Suggestions For The Discerning Fannibal

By Less Lee Moore

“Hannibal-entine” by Brandon Bird

While recent developments in pop culture news have led Hannibal fans to believe that we might never get that fourth season of the greatest TV show of all time, it doesn’t mean we have stopped pining for it. We’ll never stop fawning over our favorite fancy cannibal, Hannibal Lecter, and his beloved empath, Will Graham. As Valentine’s Day approaches, we wonder: What kinds of rare gifts might this pair of murder husbands exchangeor even seek to acquire for their homicidal brethren?

Wound Man Edible Card – Conjurer’s Kitchen

£3.50 each + £1 shipping (worldwide); Conjurer’s Kitchen

What better way to remember how murder brought the two of you closer together than this Wound Man card, especially when you can eat it. These decadent delights are “printed on luxury rice paper card stock with edible ink” and “chocolate fudge scented with a taste of vanilla.” Corpus delicious!

Tiffany & Co. N.Y. “Black Shoulders” Demitasse Set, 1950s – 1stdibs.com

$2,750 USD; 1stdibs.com

Prove to your lover that he’s no worn-out mug. Let him know that his fragility just means that he’s strong enough to show his sensitive side. When only the best will do, it’s Tiffany or nothing, and preferably antique. Best accompanied by a place setting of nineteenth-century silverware in a Cardinal pattern, purchased from Christofle.

Custom Fly Fishing Bamboo Rod – Luke Weiser

Prices available upon request; LukeWeiser.com

These rods are made from “the finest bamboo in the world,” and although our dear Will might not purchase this for himself, Hannibal knows that fishing is where Will finds inner peace, especially when he uses those custom flies he loves so much. It’s the perfect instrument for spending a fall afternoon in the woods with Abigail, or at least the memory of Abigail.

Antique Georgian Oxford Lavender Lachrymatory Tear Catcher – Ruby Lane

$195 USD; RubyLane.com

There, there, dry your tears. Hannibal’s so sorry he had to break your neck, Mason. But you were eating your own face and as fun as that was to watch, Will prefers that his dogs don’t eat human flesh. This lovely bottle is a much more practical and beautiful way to capture the sadness for your next martini.

“Invisible Monster” Absolute Perfume – CB I Hate Perfume, Secret History Series

$110 for 10ml, CBIHatePerfume.com

When you went back to Hannibal to get the old scent back, he told you to just smell yourself. That one stung. Declare that you forgive him with a gift of this perfume featuring “specially designed accords that capture the smell of the islands in the Susquehanna River,” whose mouth is found in the Chesapeake Bay. Where will your mouth be found?

Bronze Bear Claw Pendant – Lost Apostle

$65 USD; Etsy.com

Randall, we all sympathize with your body dysmorphia issues, but that hydraulic exoskeleton is terribly impractical, not to mention bulky. Here’s a sleek, subtle way to show off your inner Ursidae without going full Cave Bear, and this way no one gets hurt. Much.

Large Fallow Deer Antler Chair with Matching Ottoman from Europe, 1920s – Thegatz

$4,500 USD; Etsy.com

When you come home from a long day spent empathing or listening to your patients ramble about being “cheese folk,” you just want to kick back and relax in front of the fire. Honor every part of your lover while he’s resting in this thicket of antlers.

Custom “Anatomia Humani Corporis” Leather Journal – aLexLibris

Price available upon request; aLexLibris.com

A tribute to the millionth addition to the Vassar College library, a 17th century anatomy atlas by Govard Bidloo, this hand-tooled leather bound journal is ideal for sketching the Firenzi countryside, your favorite Botticelli paintings, or Hannibal and Will as Achilles and Patroclus. Will knows it won’t take divine intervention to get Hannibal’s pants down after he receives this present.

William Blake, The Flight of Moloch (Thomas set), 1809

Past auction; ArtNet.com

Look Francis. You can’t have this painting. This painting is in a museum in England, at the Whitworth Art Gallery in Manchester, to be precise. However, William Blake paintings are available for purchase on ArtNet, so bookmark it in your browser and keep checking back for updates. Perhaps The Virgin Hushing The Young John The Baptist from 1799 will do. Just don’t eat it, please.

Infinity Burial Suit, a.k.a. “The Mushroom Death Suit” – Coeio

Available in 2016, estimated price is $999 USD; Coeio.com

We can’t live forever, sadly, but at least when we go we can leave a positive impact on the world. No one knows for sure if Hannibal and Will survived that fall off the cliff, but if they didn’t, their bodies can provide more than just worms with food. The Infinity Burial Suit is “embroidered with thread infused with mushroom spores that grow from the body after burial… in other words, wearing this suit will make mushrooms eat your body once it has been buried.” Wouldn’t Elden Stammetz be proud?

This article was originally published on Dirge Magazine.