Blu-Ray Review: Jersey Shore Massacre

By Brad Henderson

I will admit that I’m not very knowledgeable about this whole Jersey Shore thing. I know there is a TV show with a bunch of people drinking and fighting, but that’s about it. One of them is called The Situation, which is extremely stupid. The only situation on this show is that they all suffer from being idiots. Now they’ve decided to start a production company—at least the person named JWoww or whatever the hell she’s called—and start making movies? Personally, I don’t really care what they are doing, all I know is that this isn’t film.

In this “film” Jersey Shore Massacre, the gang decided to make fun of themselves and create a slasher with actors who are acting like them. I’m still a little confused by this process and don’t get it, but I’m going to put money on me not being the target audience for something of this caliber. I get that this is a “comedy” and I will admit comedies are not my thing, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t “get” it. This film was made simply to dupe people into buying it because it has something to do with the show. It has no artistic value and is not special in any way. . . well, it is special but in a very derogatory way.

The “storyline” doesn’t bother me even though it uses clichés in the same vein as slasher films. What bothers me is the way it is presented: actors acting like the people from the show. That’s the thing about this film: every single person is a freaking asshole. It isn’t just that they are the typical assholes from movies, because a lot of films have assholes. It’s that ALL these people are mean and meant to represent the people from the show (I watched clips of the show after I watched the film) and it is just dumb. There really aren’t any other words for something like this. It isn’t even stupid fun; it is just plain stupid. I imagine other people from Jersey are fucking pissed that they are represented this way.

This opinion is coming from a person who has never been to the Jersey Shore; I drove through Jersey one time and it was a complete nightmare, but I didn’t come out thinking everyone was like the people on Jersey Shore. I’ve heard there are people who are really like this in Jersey but I don’t think that the show or this movie actually represents people from there. Now the world has the idea that everyone there acts like this, and it isn’t true. People may watch this film and enjoy it because they are seeing these characters die and that may be the point, but I’m sure plenty of others will be scratching their heads and wondering what the hell they just witnessed.

The only props that I will give the film: some of the practical effects are really well done. Of course, there is some goofy CGI but I was surprised that some of the gags in the film worked very well.

I know this review was mean. I’ve said many times in the past that I don’t like to trash films because I want them to stand a chance. But this isn’t a film; it’s a disgrace. A “film” like this is a slap in the face to everyone who takes film seriously. Just look at the reviews of this thing and see what others are saying about it. I’m not the only one. If you see it for yourself you will be in the same boat as I am. Unfortunately, this boat is going to fucking sink quickly because everyone is rushing on board.

Jersey Shore Massacre was released by Attack on Blu-Ray on August 26.