VHS Visions: Never Too Young To Die (1986)

By Brad Henderson

In 1986 a film was born. That film was Never Too Young To Die. It’s sad that many haven’t seen it, but that’s the point of this review. George Lazenby, Vanity, John Stamos, and Gene Simmons (yes, from Kiss) star in this magnum opus and give the best performances of their entire careers . . . I’m joking, but it isn’t that bad.

When you look this film up you will see a lot of negative things about it, but that’s because people don’t know what they’re talking about. I feel sorry for those who didn’t enjoy Never Too Young To Die, but they shouldn’t have taken it seriously. It is pure fun and not meant to be taken any other way. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “so bad its good” and that is exactly what this film is.

Never Too Young To Die is over the top but that is what makes it a total blast. We have Lance Stargrove (Stamos) as a college student who is a gymnast. The movie has an apocalyptic feel thanks to Velvet Von Ragnar (Simmons) and his crew. Their vehicles and the way they dress are both very Road Warrior-esque. It seems the world is still intact and they’ve already survived the apocalypse.

The plot of the film is very simple but it doesn’t really matter because the film is exceptionally awesome. OK, I’ll tell you the plot because I’m sure you’re intrigued. Lance’s father Drew Stargrove (Lazenby) has a floppy diskette with a “program” that gives instructions on how to poison the water supply and contaminate the world. I know that doesn’t make any sense but that’s what’s going on. It is unclear as to how this diskette works but it’s essential that Ragnar must have it.

Don’t think that you’re going to see a “bad” film because you will not see a “bad” film. You will see something original and quirky that will make you laugh, and if you watch it with a group of people I can promise you will have a great time.

Never Too Young To Die is a film that was practically buried upon its release and to be honest, still unheard of, so you won’t be able to find this flick on DVD, although VHS copies do exist out there. Ask a friend if they have a copy and see if they can hook you up. If you have a video store that focuses on movies like this, I’m sure they will have it in stock. I also think it might be available to stream on YouTube. I know that sounds illegal and it is, BUT no one is losing money on this and films like this are not in print anymore and next to impossible to find.

I will ask if that if this movie gets re-released you consider purchasing it because we need to have these films back in circulation before they die. There are countless films out there like this that need to be watched, cherished, and re-released. It is up to us to find these gems and tell everyone we know so maybe we can stir up interest and see a proper re-release.