Random Rant: Shit That Will Get You Blocked on Facebook

5. “Vaguebooking”

Hey, here’s a situation most of us can relate to—ever lost anything somewhat important in your own house, like your flash drive with all your Beach Boys albums on it or your car keys? Right? At any time, did you think of stepping up to the laptop or imparting words on the iPhone, writing something like, “FML” or “Thinking of ending it NOW” as a status update because of incidents like this? No? Well, congratulations. However, there are people who do this shit and it’s one of the top ways to be permanently blocked. If you temporarily lost the sunny tune of “All Summer Long,” maybe it’s overreacting a bit by threatening to END YOUR OWN LIFE. Someone actually did this to me before I blocked him (or her). Don’t alarm people over stupid stuff!

4. Shameless Attention Whoring

Hey, I know you were once a model at a department store fashion show, but now you’re 34 and have a bunch of kids, and maybe a spare tire around the waist (I’m not body shaming here; I have a spare tire, and I don’t even have kids yet). We know you were voted “Most Pretty” at the 1996 Central Florida Cantaloupe Festival. We know you were once homecoming queen at your community college. So I don’t need to look at constant, embarrassingly Photoshopped photos of you in a g-string. This stuff will get you BLOCKED. Find validation somewhere else and pay better attention to your damn kids.

3. Constantly Tagging People in Dumb Posts (Especially Political Posts)

I know you support legalizing all drugs, because in 1992 you had a devastating hangnail that was cured by an extensive, 12-month course of marijuana (not the medical kind). Despite your awesome medical discovery, I don’t need you constantly tagging me in posts about it. My friends and co-workers now think I’m some kind of crack head because of the relentless bombardment of my Timeline with posts about legalizing drugs. Do you REALLY think PCP helped anyone? Do you understand that possibly some people’s lives were ruined by drugs? Yep, time to hit block and delete. This same idea applies to political conspiracy theory posts (“I THINK JFK WAS KILLED BY OBAMA. SUPPORT MY CAUSE”).

2. Being Insanely Defensive When Challenged on an Issue

This links in with my last rant about political posts. Let’s say you call President Obama a “communist” because he made some comment about redistributing wealth almost 15 years ago. So I challenge you with the proven FACT that redistributing wealth is, in fact, called TAXES, which every politician discusses. Then you come at me, call me a “pinko” and make a racist comment about the president. Yep. Your crazy ass is going to be blocked. That also goes for stuff like, “I THINK FREEDOM OF SPEECH SHOULD BE BANNED!!!!!11111” I am going to call you a “liberal” and block you, because we all know how you hate liberals.

1. Attempting to Make People Feel Guilty Because You’re a Bastard

Hey, maybe your family dislikes you intensely because you treated them like dog shit. Or your friends don’t like you and you get blocked a lot because of the reasons above. Or maybe you were the worst romantic partner ever, forcing many a girlfriend into an unwanted abortion or something to that effect (and sharing the gory details on Facebook, so everyone in the world can find out about your disaster of a personal life). Making status updates like, “I never did ANYTHING bad . . . I always get blamed!!!!11111” is not going to make anyone feel bad for you. In fact, it will get you BLOCKED.

Live and learn, people. Live and learn.

This piece has been a public service announcement by A Concerned Citizen.