Rock Me, Shock Me? Musings On Rock Of Ages

By Maureen

Two things most people figure out about me very soon after meeting me are that I love classic rock music and I love musicals. So, naturally, when I started seeing teaser trailers and leaked studio stills from a big-screen adaptation of Rock Of Ages, I was theoretically psyched. Guns ‘N Roses, Poison, Bon Jovi, and more, streaming out of the big screen? Sign me up!

I haven’t seen the musical yet, but the movie seemed like a promisingly enjoyable summer distraction. I like Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock; I’m firmly on Team Russell (Brand that is) after genuinely and thoroughly enjoying both his book and his stand-up; Catherine Zeta Jones was my first girlcrush back in the days before girlcrush was a commonly understood term. And then Stacee Jaxx turned around.

I have had a distaste for Tom Cruise since he fired his publicist, couch-jumped, and basically dismissed the career path I have chosen for myself as inferior to vitamins. At that time, I had seen few of his movies (one, to be exact) and never bought him as a “heartthrob,” anyway. His erratic behavior and bizarre devotion to a religion I had never heard of left an unfavorable impression on me.

So far I have been able to avoid his work without feeling bad about it, since I was never a Mission Impossible watcher in the first place. I narrowly avoided having the same birthday as his (admittedly adorable) daughter, and have just been happily cruising along (no pun intended!) disliking him even though his behavior has mellowed significantly. That is until Rock Of Ages happened.

I did not know how to react. Music and people I love coupled with my cinematic arch-nemesis? This was distressing indeed. Cruise doesn’t even have a small or cameo role in this film (I must confess I did enjoy him in his unrecognizable Tropic Thunder role). He is the star the movie rotates around, the rock star everyone is trying to emulate and/or get a piece of. He actually sings and performs some of these songs that hold dear spots in my heart. I don’t know how much screen time he will actually get, but the idea still bugs me in principle. Like, there’s no one else they could have cast for this role? Somewhere there’s a Hollywood exec looking at my Facebook page and twisting his moustache like “Eeexcellent, we’re making her more confused by the moment.”

I will probably see the movie because of the passion I have for the material and my curiosity as to whether or not Cruise can pull off the role. But please, seek professional help if you’re feeling Depressed.

Rock of Ages premieres on June 15.