Don’t Quit Your Day Job: Super Bowl “Singers” Please Take Note

By Laura L.

Ah, football. (That would be American football for most of the world.) What do you think of when you think of football? Touchdowns? Sure. Tailgating? Perhaps. Rap? Are you serious? Sadly, I am afraid I am. And YouTube has reminded me of this dark moment in not just National Football League history, but rap history as well. And with the 2011 Super Bowl upon us, what better time is there to open that vault?

It all started back in 1985. The Chicago Bears, under the leadership of legendary coach Mike Ditka, were having an incredible run, losing only once in the regular season. They would eventually win the Super Bowl that season. But that legacy may not be completely untainted. Three words: Super Bowl Shuffle.

Notice that the Bears are credited as “The Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew.” Now, I thought a “Shufflin’ Crew” would involve a shuffle and possibly, a trash bag to go with it. But I digress. Regardless of what they called themselves, “The Super Bowl Shuffle” is cringe-inducing. What’s more, the Bears not only rap on this song, they also play the accompaniment. Not to mention that this song goes on for six minutes, plus an extra minute for credits.

I would have loved to have featured the Packers and Steelers, the NFC and AFC championship teams (respectively) in this piece, but I could not find a copycat song from that era (that era being the mid-to-late ’80s to early ’90s). But let me feature the following embarrassing selections.

The next example is from the Los Angeles (now St. Louis) Rams. Between the bad hair, the horrid double entendres, and the sub-par rapping, I can see why they had to leave L.A.

Next, we have another ex-L.A. team, the (then-and-now) Oakland Raiders, from 1986. I couldn’t name a single member from this team. Not quite as embarrassing as the previous video, but just as deliciously cheesy.

Before the Philadelphia Eagles had Michael Vick (or Donovan McNabb before him), they had . . . this selection. This song, entitled “Buddy’s Watching You,” is filmed in the recording studio, complete with backup singers. Spot the red leather pantsuit!

And to wrap up this cheesiness, I have four words for you: Zack Morris cell phone. With Zubaz galore, cheerleaders, and a Hooters girl, the Miami Dolphins’ “Can’t Touch Us” takes the cake as the video most feared by the lactose-intolerant among us. Behold!

Friends don’t let friends who play in the NFL rap. Or the NBA, come to think of it. Shaq, I’m talking about you!