You Only Die Twice: Casey Johnson Died For Your Tweets

By Emily Carney

It’s only six days into 2010, and already we’ve been forced to endure the dumbest hype over a celebrity death ever. Casey Johnson, the openly gay Johnson & Johnson heiress who has recently gained headlines for committing grand theft and getting engaged to (of all people) Internet “celebrity” Tila Tequila, was found dead in her residence on the morning of January 4 due to (guess what?) “natural causes.”

Immediately following the news of her being found dead, speculation rose to massive levels—aping the recent “natural causes” death of messed-up actress Brittany Murphy—as to what caused her death. Causes such as prescription pills, cocaine, heroin, general physical deterioration, and a scorching, untreated case of Type I Diabetes were all possible causes brought up by various media resources. Apparently Johnson also left behind a daughter, adopted from Eastern Europe (trendy!), making the whole ordeal analogous to an episode of Absolutely Fabulous.

The most notable thing about Casey Johnson’s death, however, wasn’t the rumored manner of death; it was the insane, somehow hilarious presence of the social networking Web site Twitter in the unfolding story of the drama. It was reported that the LAPD found Johnson dead around 11:30 a.m. or so. Tila Tequila, requiring constant attention despite someone else’s very real tragedy, tweeted that her “wife” had passed away. However, the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch (“It’s not dead. . . it’s. . . resting”) suddenly erupted to vivid life as Tila later tweeted that Johnson wasn’t dead, but was, in fact, in a coma. In one tweet she heartbreakingly wrote, “dot [sic] let go” which somehow sullied this captivating life or death struggle. This confused the shit out of everyone following this story on the gossip blogs. Casey Johnson suddenly wasn’t dead; she was just stunned, or pining for the fjords.

However, the LAPD soon issued a statement that Johnson had been discovered dead as a doorknob in the morning of January 4. Actually, Johnson had been dead for several days alone in her house while Tila had been partying away the New Year. Suddenly Tila’s tweets became hysterical over her dead “wifey” (her words) and the life that they were supposed to have together. It became remarkably apparent that this whole “Coma-gate 2010” drama had been completely concocted by Tila Tequila; her epic misspelling during those tweets—not to mention tweeting about the events PERIOD—during the death of her alleged romantic partner came under massive fire. Even Perez Hilton, no stranger to controversy himself, tweeted that he found her “disgusting.”

Making this “event” even more insane was the epic 40-page-plus thread dedicated to this entire saga on the LiveJournal community Oh No They Didn’t; if you haven’t read this entire thread, do yourself a favor right now if you want to have the most hysterical laugh of your life. In summation, the community basically dissects the situation to the core while making a general mockery of the media-mongering Tila Tequila.

Thanks to Twitter, Facebook, and LiveJournal, celebrity death has become just another “experience,” like brushing your teeth or heading off to rehab. This officially was the best celebrity death of all time. . . my apologies to Kanye.