Klonopin, Damn You to Hell: Top Five Psychotropic Medications to Add to Tap Water

© 2004 Emma Holister

2. Ambien (sleeping pills)

Public transportation becomes essential as people get in more inexplicable car crashes than ever before. There is an increase in reports of people waking up wearing others’ clothes. Laser light shows set to Pink Floyd albums make a massive comeback.

President Obama regularly shows up on TV hallucinating that he is in a Scottish castle and is attacking vampires. He goes on television to announce that the United States must come together to fight these vampires, and the invisible robots that are attacking him as well. US citizens can entirely relate to his plight; the Army is deployed all over the world to stop this threat. The National Guard has also seen these vampires and robots, and they end up killing these invisible adversaries in several American cities. However, these threats are replaced by mercenary Strawberry Shortcake dolls which have laser cats living in their brains.

1. Topamax (an anticonvulsant, used to treat epilepsy and bipolar disorder)

American fast food joints begin to go out of business at a rapid rate, since most people have forgotten what French fries are. Workplaces add a “nap time” room to their headquarters. The drool cups and sheets make yet another comeback.

President Obama forgets that he is actually the President and is seen digging a grave for an imaginary body in the White House Rose Garden. When advisors try to stop him, he asks loudly, “Who gives a fuck?” and jumps into his 1980 Chevette to go to a fast food place. President Obama asks the place’s manager if he can get a job there making. . . some kind of food involving shredded potatoes (“I just can’t remember what it’s called. . . shit. . . French something, you know!”). The fast food manager says sadly that there aren’t any jobs, and also has no idea that this dirt-covered guy is the President. The Secret Service agents give up looking for the President since they have no idea what a car is.

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