Klonopin, Damn You to Hell: Top Five Psychotropic Medications to Add to Tap Water

By Emily Carney

A Japanese study has shown that adding the salt known as lithium to drinking water may supposedly reduce the incidence of suicides. Lithium has been used typically to stabilize bipolar disorder. This finding brings up the question: is it okay for the government to add psychotropic medications to drinking water, very much like fluoride was added to stop teeth from rotting? The idea is a bit frightening, given that most psychotropic medications possess a laundry list of wickedly bad side effects. I was inspired (being a veteran of various psychiatric medications, woot!) to imagine a world in which these meds were added to drinking water. However, I compartmentalized my thinking about tap water to several specific drugs. . . enjoy!

5. Zyprexa (an atypical antipsychotic, used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder)

People gain five pounds a day from drinking water, and have irresistible cravings for anything that contains donuts or croissants. They stop giving a shit about anything. For example, when others rear-end their cars in traffic, no one cares and it is just shrugged it off as “hey, shit happens.”

The US workweek is shortened to three days because most people sleep up to 18 hours a day. They also seem to drool constantly; decorative drool cups begin to sell like hotcakes in stores like Ikea and Target. Models begin to sport huge waistlines and saliva stains on their clothing; the beauty aesthetic of America changes drastically. President Barack Obama balloons to 750 lbs. and proclaims October 12th “American Donut Day”; people swarm to overcrowded branches of Dunkin’ Donuts to purchase dozens of boxes of the deep-fried dough delicacies. When Election Day comes around in 2012, President Obama is reelected by a landslide, mostly because no one remembers who his rival is and because they were asleep anyway and forgot to go to the polls.

4. Zoloft (an SSRI, usually prescribed for depression, PTSD, or anxiety)

People are happier than ever. Shit, you could have the worst ever day and still be smiling like a dumbass—your husband/wife leaves you, you lose your job, your car gets repossessed, your condominium goes into foreclosure, and your dog shits all over your new carpet, but you still keep on smiling. You aren’t unhappy about your rough childhood, mainly because you can’t remember your rough childhood in the first place.

Despite the happiness you feel, you also begin to experience drowsiness, mud butt, wet Mexican Food-farts, double vision, and sometimes you imagine that you are Jesus Christ and need to let people know this at two in the morning. President Barack Obama makes a a televised speech shouting, “FUCK the economy—I’m talking about going on vacation to Bermuda, THIS IS WHY I’M HOT YOU AIN’T ‘CUZ YOU’RE NOT THIS IS WHY THIS IS WHY THIS IS WHY I’M HOT” and leaves the country; no one really cares and President Obama is lauded as a slightly eccentric but laid back leader.

3. Klonopin (a benzodiazepine, used for seizures or tranquilizing)

Emergency rooms become clogged with people suffering minor injuries from falling into things. The decorative Zyprexa drool cups come back into vogue and are bigger and better than ever. Pier One Imports begin to sell embellished drool sheets festooned with paisley designs and beading; these prove to be especially popular.

President Obama’s teleprompter is rather brazenly put on his desk right in front of him; he fires Joe Biden from his post as Vice President, hires Courtney Love to do the job, and he thinks about making Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler Secretary of State. Obama must also be propped up at all times by a rail or a couch in order to look alert. No one notices this, as everyone else is doing the exact same thing.

© 2008 Nate Beeler

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