Top Five Inebriated Concertgoers And How To Deal With Them
Published on May 30th, 2009 in: Issues, Listicles, Music, Top Five Lists |3. Invizo-man
I was standing in the very front row at an outdoor concert and this gentleman floated over and wedged himself in front of me. I hadn’t left a gap of a few feet or even an inch and yet he found an apparently enticing few atoms of space between my crotch and the stage. And so basically, because he pretended I didn’t exist and I certainly wouldn’t budge, he had the most uncomfortable concert of his life. It was pretty simple to focus every ounce of hatred into squeezing the air out of his lungs until finally, near the end of the show, he had to go somewhere that wouldn’t harsh his vibe, where someone wasn’t hating him so much. It’s possible that because of whatever drugs he was on, he thought he was invisible . . . or possibly invincible. This experience has taught me to either live with the problem or actually tell the problem to respect your front-row status; don’t be passive-aggressive with your crotch. That way leads to darkness.
Photo © aeionic
2. The Feeler
Obviously, we’ve all been groped at a show but this is in regard to something else entirely. Ever seen that David Cross stand-up bit which gets interrupted by a young lady attempting “to feel it”? She just wanted to get closer, so she could “feel it.” Aw yes. Oh yeah man, I know what you mean, I just HAVE TO FEEL IT! It isn’t just her, though; dreadlocked youngsters all over the country have been known to take whatever it is that they take (my money is on a combination of mushrooms, acid, and certainly ecstasy), and then if they’re given relative space to do so, they’ll spin around and around as close to the stage as possible, “feeling it.” They can’t explain what it is that they’re trying to feel, but . . . and here’s the thing that ticks me off: they have no respect for what you’re trying to feel. You stand there wondering if the life-sized spin-art in front of you is going to hit you, and you have to plan on what to do if they do hit you with an open hand or an elbow, and you have to plan evasive action. You can’t enjoy the show because frankly, there’s an idiot in front of you enjoying this show just as much as they would any show, but they do it while putting on a show. They could be watching a beach grill performance of “Brown Eyed Girl” or a rave or Government Mule—it is basically all the same to them, and the “Feelers” are all the same to us. I have no idea what to do with these people except avoid them; they have the high ground and you have an overpriced, endangered beverage in your hand.
1. Master of Puppets
This guy stands right in front of the band, commanding them to play a song and then watching in ultimate satisfaction as they unquestioningly bow to his will. Is he like, a genius or a wizard or something? No, he’s LOOKING AT THE SETLIST. It’s hard to tell if he’s doing it to reassure the band that he wants to hear what they’re about to play or if he is actually trying to make his friends think that he holds that kind of power over their favorite band. Expose this false prophet as brutally as possible. “Hey! This guy’s a fake! Faker!”
Photo © Tony Nelson
Pages: 1 2
6 Responses to “Top Five Inebriated Concertgoers And How To Deal With Them”
May 31st, 2009 at 8:24 am
hahahaha, I loved this!
“Master of Puppets”
June 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Sometimes I’ve been #1 (and I don’t even drink!), but that’s usually because either a) I _hate_ the band playing –usually an opener, otherwise I’d just split — and want to see how much more torture is on the docket… or b) I’m really into the band and wanna see what’s up next. However in both cases (unless A really REALLY sucks and can’t even tear my focus away), I will just glance at the setlist and go back to watchin’ the band.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Hahaha… cool piece, Adam! Somewhat related to #1 is the annoying person who won’t quit yelling for the big hit. For example, I was at a Steve Earle show once and not 10 minutes into the show, some nimrod started yelling “Copperhead Road!” and kept doing so after every song.
Finally Earle said, “Jesus Christ man – do you REALLY think I’m NOT going to play that song? Chill the fuck out!” We nearly peed ourselves laughing.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Lee, that is hilarious! I wish more musicians were as cool as Steve Earle.
LLM
June 4th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Recent offenders:
– My brother and I were about five rows back at a Franz Ferdinand show, and between bands, he squatted down ’cause he’s super tall and his legs hurt. This is when some red-headed chick decided to squeeze in the two atoms, as you put it, between us and the row in front of us to talk to her friend several people to my right. In doing so, she put her crotch RIGHT IN FRONT of my brother’s face. Like, it was RIGHT THERE. He didn’t seem to know what to do. I laughed in her face, though. Thankfully, she moved away before the show started. Except then, ya’ know, everyone else in the place decided to squeeze in by that point, and I had “that guy” screaming the lyrics and pumping his fists behind me. And then a fight broke out during “Michael.”
– My friends and I were seeing OK Go in Baltimore, when this INCREDIBLY drunk girl (seriously, I don’t know how she was standing) and her equally drunk boyfriend, decided to shove their way to the front, whereupon they began booty dancing hardcore. During the show, she began yelling, “F*CK PHILADELPHIA WELCOME TO TOWSON!” at every opportunity, which only made the band look at her like she was nuts and try to ignore her.
The best part, though, were the two twelve-year-olds and their mom standing next to me, because the mom clearly didn’t know what to do, and the one girl kept texting her friend saying, “They’re like practicing sex!” Which is HILARIOUS because only a twelve-year-old would say that.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Katy:
There was one of those kinds of incredibly drunk girls at a Sebastien Grainger show in Toronto this spring. She was twitching and blinking and weaving and I thought she was either going to puke or fall over. And she was still guzzling a beer! When we made eye contact with the other people around us and gave them the silent “what the fuck?” look, we all started laughing. Thankfully the girl left before the show started.
As for the Philadelphia screamer, I have seen such things before. In my case it was at a White Stripes show and the female in question was yelling, “MEG WHITE I WANT TO FUCK YOU!” It was horrifying.
The last bit about “practicing sex” makes me think of that episode of Freaks and Geeks when Millie says that Kim “fornicates it.” HAHA!
Thanks for sharing!
LLM
Time limit is exhausted. Please reload the CAPTCHA.