The Sepia Tint of Doom: Worst Ideas for Rock Photography

By Emily C.

5. The band wearing way too much leather

Whenever a vulnerable, slightly introverted band wants you to KNOW that they, in fact, mean business and are hardcore as all hell, they are encouraged to bust out the leather jackets and surly looks. The worst offender of this trend is one of my favorite bands, Depeche Mode. In the early 1980s they wore a little bit of leather, but generally their image was that of sensitive synth-poppers who did sweet songs like “See You” and “Just Can’t Get Enough.” Around 1984, their music took a darker turn into the world of bondage and domination (while still remaining its optimistic poppiness—see “Master and Servant”), and all this leather began to appear in their press photographs. By 1990, when Violator exploded into mass popularity, the band really wanted people to know that yes, they were actually total badasses, and would cut you up with a switchblade outside of whatever local Goth club you were hanging out at. Above is one example of Depeche Mode’s leather-induced surliness.

Notice the one member who is not wearing leather, and who therefore was NOT a team player.

4. The band thinking that they’re, in fact, businessmen

Another tactic bands sometimes employ to convince you of their total seriousness is breaking out the business suits, fedoras, and cravats, so you know that they are a CORPORATION and not a band at all. They have very important business dealings, business memos, and business teas at their high-rise offices conferencing about how to prevent spittle being thrown on their precious synthesizers during performances. The worst offender of this trend was another synth-pop band, Heaven 17. While they stated initially that they were trying to lampoon the image of early 1980s yuppies, they took the pose a bit too far and extended it across at least three albums. This leads one to believe that they actually liked the idea of being esteemed businessmen who were slaves to the scent of Aramis and “Touch of Grey” hair color for the “distinguished man.” Above is the best example of Heaven 17’s attempts to be viewed as serious men with SERIOUS business.

The fedoras and the trench coats. . . ugh. . . while the band may have hated the Human League’s guts, a nice asymmetrical haircut with some lipstick would have at least been some “fun.”

3. The totally incomprehensible mugshots

On occasion, there are situations when a singer or artist is so completely insane they can turn their various “issues” into a kind of performance art. Case in point: Khia, the rapper who came out with the filthy classic “My Neck, My Back” a few years back. Apparently, her musical offerings were delayed by slight problems with the legal system, as evidenced by the cover of her album, appropriately titled Gangstress.

Khia’s spectacularly changing hair and 18 astonishing mugshots leave no doubt in one’s mind that this chick is absolutely batshit crazy. I actually heard some highlights of this album and have to say, it sounds just like someone who has been incarcerated 18 times under nefarious circumstances, and is hilarious as hell.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: I vaguely recall Gwen Stefani in some music video or other standing in a police lineup. This completely failed as one can only view Ms. Stefani as sunshine and happiness, and not some insane, badass chick who would probably wear brass knuckles not as a fashion accessory, but as a necessity because CRAZY BITCHES WILL COME AND BEAT HER ASS AT THE CLUB.

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