Stank!

By Ann Clarke

I have compiled a top five list of the worst smells I have ever observed in my lifetime. Granted, this is a short list, and I’ve inhaled some really pungent stench over the years, but these are the ones that I will NEVER forget (no matter how much I’d like to!). These are ranked from bad, to the absolute worst!

Rental Agent’s Breath: When my partner and I were looking at apartments in Cleveland before we moved here, we went on a few visits to different properties. The last property we visited was a semi-decent place, but. . . the rental agent had breath that stunk so fucking bad, it literally made me dizzy! We all got in the elevator, and that’s when the funk really punched me in the nose. I can’t even describe what I was smelling, because it was so atrocious that it didn’t seem like it was real. I guess it smelled like she was rotting from the inside, a real cadaver-mouth! The thing that was really surreal about it is that the agent was a really gorgeous woman, who was well-dressed and groomed, but it didn’t matter. . . her breath still stunk like a coroner’s office without air conditioning! When my partner and I got back into the car, we just looked at each other and started gagging! I felt like I had vertigo it was so bad, and my partner’s eyes were watering.

Flight from Prague to Atlanta: Last year, on my way back from my lovely trip to Prague, I had the misfortune that many face, and that is flying coach. Flying coach for 13 hours is bad enough in itself, as it is cramped, noisy, and uncomfortable. However, it was only made worse by the fucking toxic waste of life that was sitting behind us the whole way. There they were, a mother and infant. . . supposedly one of the most precious things in the world. . . well, not in my world! It sucked to have to hear a colicky baby for 13 hours, as well as the suckling breast-feeding noise, but the icing on the cake was when the mom had enough fucking nerve to change the baby’s diaper in the seat, and then NOT throw away the diaper! For one, this flight had a baby changing area outside the restroom, but apparently, she decided it was OK to do that right there in the cabin, not once, but three fucking times! She rolled up the diapers within themselves with their adhesive strips, and just plopped them on the floor. The smell. . . jesus. . . I’m getting sick thinking about it! By the end of the flight, since the baby poop smell was so thick in the air, the stink stuck to us, and we ended up smelling like the poop! I was so pissed!

Slob at the Rite Aid Expo: The first year I moved to Cleveland, they had this Health Expo at the downtown convention center sponsored by Rite Aid. It was a free event that was typical of expos: lots of free samples and demonstrations of stuff. I decided to go, because I thought maybe I could win some contests or something. . . maybe win a free gym membership. This was a bad idea. It ended up being a freeloader’s paradise, and every fucking scumbag from the Cleveland metro area showed up looking for a handout. One scumbag in particular stood out to both myself, and my partner. We were waiting in line at the Liz Claiborne display because they were giving away free bottles of perfume (which was a pretty sweet free sample as far as I’m concerned!). Anyhow, this fucking slob not only cut in front of us, but. . . SHE SMELLED WORSE THAN SHIT! I don’t care how many free bottles of perfume they gave this warthog, it could never possibly cover up the stank that was radiating off her! I’m sorry, there is no excuse for that. She wasn’t homeless, old, or handicapped (or at least she wasn’t physically handicapped on the surface), but she was fat and sweaty, and smelled like a cross between dog shit and canned ham. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth thinking about this!

Curdled Milk in a Baby Bottle: I remember when I was about 11 years old; I pulled a baby’s bottle out of the couch cushions (whilst looking for the remote), one that had been in the sofa for god knows how long. At that time, my younger brother was still an infant, and my mom sure had her hands full with him, and working full-time. . . this filthy scenario was an understandable oversight. Anyhow, I brought the bottle to the kitchen and showed my mom, and she opened it to clean it out, and I swear to god, there was bleu-cheese dressing inside of this thing. . . and then came the STANK! This was un-fucking-real! I. . . I can’t go on with this one. . . the GERD is acting up!

High School Garbage Truck: This one is for the record books, seriously. When I was in 12th grade, my mom picked me up from school around lunch hour, since I only had half-days at that point after finishing most of my requirements early. I believe it had to be either in late May or June, because I remember it was hot as hell that day. So as we are leaving, the garbage truck was leaving too, and cut us off. So, we got stuck behind the truck. Yeah, I know garbage stinks. . . but I have to stress that this garbage truck only cleaned out the restrooms in the building. . . and before you start thinking that shit was the choice of stink. . . oh no. . . it was a week’s worth of teenage girl used feminine hygiene products! Yes. . . it was steaming, menstrual mung, simmering in the 90 degree heat. . . and WE WERE STUCK BEHIND THIS, and suddenly there was a traffic jam, and we were gridlocked on a street that had no intersections for about a mile or so. THIS WAS TORTURE! I can still smell and taste this one in the air, and my mother has never forgotten this incident either. All I have to say is “Hey mom. . . remember the garbage truck?” and she’s like “AAAHHH NOOO!! SHUT UP!!!” (and then proceeds to dry-heave and just as animated as when Jim Carrey does it in Dumb and Dumber).

So there you have it. I’m wondering if any of you can actually smell my memories after reading that!

I do have one more to mention. . .

Honorable mention goes to: Buster’s Shitty-mouth Kisses: My dog (Buster) really loves to eat cat shit. . . particularly, my cat Kitler’s shit! Now, I love my dog and all, but I don’t love his coprophagial desires. He wasn’t interested in it at first, but this past winter has stirred up Buster’s cabin fever something fierce, and now he’s a shit-addict! He’s gotten so bad about it that I had to install a safety gate (a.k.a. “the shit fortress”) in my home, to keep him from going buffet-style on the cat box. So far, so good. He hasn’t been able to break down the barricade. I was using those pressure-sensitive kid gates, but Buster’s fat body was able to knock it down with his weight. The one I installed required hardware installed into a doorway. Sure, I could’ve moved the litter-box (and I did try that), but he got into it anyway. The only downfall is that instead of smelling the shit on his breath, its now more rich in the air. That requires more scooping, but. . . I don’t want my dog to eat cat shit, bottom-line. The worst part of this scenario is when Buster gets the farts, so he’s not only dog-farting (which is a repulsive stink in itself), but he’s dog-farting cat shit, that is in the process of becoming dog shit!