Commanding Cobra: An Interview With Cobra Commander

Popshifter: I suppose not! So what other enterprises is Cobra involved in, either directly or indirectly?

Cobra Commander: Well basically just about everything. You know how people think that Masons run things from behind the scenes? Well they’re half right. Only instead of Masons, it’s Cobra. We started Girl Guides, even. That was before my time as Cobra Commander, mind you, but it was still Cobra that did that.

Popshifter: So there have been previous Cobra Commanders? I thought it was just you.

Cobra Commander: Yes, there have been a few predecessors. But I’m the first one to actually be named “Cobra Commander” so I’m obviously the best. Also all the fiction you see—the cartoon, comics, toys—they’re all based off me as Cobra Commander.

Popshifter: What about the movie?

Cobra Commander: The only G.I. JOE movie worth a damn was released in the 80s, and even then they got me all wrong. I never turned into a snake, nor was I ever in trouble for failing Cobra. That was all just preposterous and pompous scriptwriting to make me look like a fool!

Popshifter: I see. So you have no interest in seeing this new one coming out this summer?

Cobra Commander: No, they look to have just slapped the GI JOE name on a generic action movie while making a few of the characters derivative of the people I know. Have you seen what they made me look like? The kid from Third Rock? They made me look like a rejected Ninja Turtles villain! I’m still waiting for them to call me and explain that it is all just a big joke and that they’re sorry, but I’m not sure if I can ever forgive them.

Popshifter: (laughs).

Cobra Commander: Oh, crap!

Popshifter: What happened?

Cobra Commander: I just spilled coffee on my pants. It’s not burning yet, but I’ll have to go take care of this in a bit, sorry. I’m wearing many layers and this uniform is somewhat stain resistant. Hold on!

Cobra Commander: Here we are. What were we talking about?

Popshifter: The movie interpretation of you, and how you’re not a fan of it.

Cobra Commander: Right, right. I wonder if they’ll get my voice right, though? I will just wait for the DVD or I might get Destro to procure me an early home video screener copy, if you catch my drift.

Popshifter: Uh oh! Will you at least get one with a lightscribed disc?

Cobra Commander: Do not belittle me! It’s not like I’m making any money from their use of my character! And besides, I am a bad guy—do you really expect that I’d not do something like that?

Popshifter: Well. . .

Cobra Commander: Do you?

Popshifter: Fair enough.

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