Commanding Cobra: An Interview With Cobra Commander

Cobra Commander: So what did you want to talk to me about, anyway? I’m very busy these days. I barely have time to update my blog anymore, so this had better be good.

Popshifter: Actually, your reply took me by surprise and you called me before I could come up with any questions, but uh. . .

Cobra Commander: So sloppy. Do you secretly work for Cobra?

Popshifter: No! Wait, what do you mean?

Cobra Commander: That’s the kind of sloppy work I’d expect from those in my employ. It’s so hard to find decent help these days, what with so many unqualified people looking for jobs here. Not that we don’t need all the help we can get. You’re not going to print this part right? We haven’t started the interview yet, have we?

Popshifter: No, no. Let’s start now, okay? What is it like being Cobra Commander?

Cobra Commander: It’s not all fun and games and lasers, that’s for sure. I believe that’s a common misconception about life as a ruthless leader of any sort. Mostly, it’s paperwork. Paperwork like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t actually have to write any of it, but I have to read all of it and approve their proposals—and some of these executives can’t write themselves out of a guillotine! Don’t get me started on their handwriting, either. The ones that don’t know how to use computers are the worst.

Popshifter: What kinds of things are you approving?

Cobra Commander: Plans of all sorts. Bake sales, yard sales.

Popshifter: (laughs)

Cobra Commander: Garage sales. Plans for world domination that I probably shouldn’t tell you about.

Popshifter: Tell me about your previous plan, if you’re allowed to, that is.

Cobra Commander: Hrm. There are so many of them. Your area code is Canadian, right?

Popshifter: Yeah.

Cobra Commander: Okay, let me see of any plans you might have been involved with some how. (Pause). Tim Hortons is a Canadian donut shop franchise you might be aware of.

Popshifter: Yes, yeah of course. I go there all the time.

Cobra Commander: Excellent! We have recently purchased, through dummy corporations, a sizable investment in that company. In fact, we’ve even planted thousands of undercover Cobra Troopers in their retail locations to monitor progress.

Popshifter: Really?

Cobra Commander: Yes. They’ve all be brainwashed to believe they’re old Indian ladies, just so they fit in.

Popshifter: Why do you need them there?

Cobra Commander: Loss prevention purposes! You can’t run a successful company leeching of another successful company if you have employees stealing donuts from the host company, now can you?

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