Popshifter‘s Best Of Lists

Zachary Johnson & Jeffrey Max, Fatal Farm (the team who brought you Lasagna Cat, TV Themes, and Infinite Solutions)

What is the best movie of 2008?
Choosing a best movie for ’08 is easy. So easy, in fact, that it’s made for a disappointing year at the movies. All films debuting after January 25, 2008 could never hope to escape from under the shadow of the greatest cinematic achievement in recent memory—Rambo.

From the incontinence-inducing badassness of its street-art-inspired advertising campaign to the shocking literacy of auteur S.G. Stallone’s special edition DVD commentary track (Director’s note: the Burmese river is a metaphor for the river Styx), this tour de force was an underappreciated gem that, in a perfect world, would sweep every award show category and reign supreme as all-time international box office champion.

A breezy 92 minutes, Rambo all but omits a second act so that revenge extraction can begin only moments after the Burmese Junta’s act of genocide. The magnitude of said extraction is a beefy .50 caliber. And unlike another action film this year that glorified villainy by granting its bad-guy the juiciest lines and coolest swagger, there are absolutely no redeeming qualities for Major Tint, a chain-smoking tribal warlord who races civilian prisoners though minefields for sport, shoots unarmed humanitarian aid workers in the back, beheads villagers, murders their dogs, never speaks a word of English, and also happens to be a homosexual pedophile rapist.

If we have a complaint about Rambo, and it frankly seems blasphemous to do so, it would be that the project was retitled for US release, eschewing its original John Rambo. This would have made the film a fitting antithetical cynical companion piece to the closing chapter of SGS’s perennial optimist franchise, 2006’s underappreciated Rocky Balboa.

What is the best song of 2008?
The best song? That would have to be “Hoverkraft,” by German electro-hip-hop group Deickkind. If a track titled “Hovercraft” were to be released by an American rap artist, the song would no doubt be a thinly veiled metaphor for a sex act of some kind. Not so with Deichkind. From what we can tell via Google’s translator, they’re actually singing about a vehicular hovercraft.

We’ve been in love with this group since the video for “Ich Betaube Mich” kicked our asses in 2006, and this is far and away the best track off their new album.

What is the best new food item of 2008?
Considering I normally eat the entire 6 oz. can upon opening it, I’m going to have to go with Blue Diamond’s Bold Jalapeño Smokehouse Almonds. These almonds are flavored with a powder that I’d liken to Doritos Black Pepper Jack, which was itself a wonderful food item that should not have been a limited time offering. Boo, Frito Lay. Anyhow, the almonds are much more substantive than chips, and despite their massive caloric weight, offer heart-healthy fats and a good source of fiber when compared to other snack foods. Once the almonds are gone, you’ll be hard pressed not to consume the cubic centimeter worth of flavor powder at the bottom of the can via a repetition of finger licks/seasoning blots.

What was the best vacation destination of 2008?
I didn’t actually go there, and neither did Jeffrey, but probably Barbados. This is no banana republic. It’s human development index ranks third in the Americas, behind only Canada and the US. It’s a mild-temperatured tropical paradise whose extreme easterly location spares it from the devastating tropical storms that plague its neighbors. Accommodations are world class, and this little island (~166 square miles) recently gave us adorable pop starlet Rihanna, who at only 20 years old is already tied with Beyoncé for most female solo artist Billboard #1s of the decade.

What is the best alkaline battery rebranding of 2008?
Hmm. Probably Rayovac Heavy Duty. Their Blue/Yellow/Red batteries were long overdue for a redesign as they looked cheap and bootleg almost. Their new, Chicago-Bulls-evoking batteries are much simpler and tasteful. And thankfully their Gatorade lightning bolt has been relegated to the logotype only.

What is the best Bakugan of 2008?
Neither of us knows much about Bakugan, and we had to consult a number of wikis to answer this one. We’re going with Darkus Hydronoid because his battle brawler master, the multi-personalitied Masquerade, takes a different approach to topping the brawler rankings. Rather than defeat the opposing brawlers in sport, Masquerade’s goal is to banish the Bakugan to the Doom Dimension leaving his/her Darkus Hydronoid uncontested to evolve into the ultimate Bakugan.

In writing this, I realize it’s perhaps unfair to grant Darkus Hydronoid “best Bakugan” status simply because of Masquerade. That’s like labeling a golf club “best driver” simply because Tiger Woods is wielding it. Perhaps there’s a better Bakugan that is unfortunately paired with an inferior battle master and is not receiving the proper notoriety.

Evaluating the Bakugan independent of their brawlers, Wavern probably scoots ahead of Darkus Hydronoid because she has the Infinity Core.

Fatal Farm was featured in Popshifter Issue 002.

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