Adventures with Metal Mania: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Bad

And what I mean is, I really fucking hate seeing all of the same old overrated shit from all of these douche-bags. . . over and over again! Based on this overplayed bullshit, I believe that the channel is suffering from lazy programming. I know this is probably going to be met with some skepticism, but this is just my opinion.

Anthrax, Autograph, Bon Jovi, Bonham, Bulletboys, Danzig, Def Leppard, Dio, Dokken, Extreme, Firehouse, Great White, those eight-minute Guns N’ Roses videos, Iron Maiden, KISS, Krokus, Metallica, Motley Crue (although Tommy Lee is amusing in his shamelessness), 90 percent of Ozzy, Pantera, Poison, Queensryche, Quiet Riot, Scorpions, Skid Row, Slayer, Slaughter, Ted Nugent, Vixen, Warrant, White Lion, Whitesnake, Winger, etc.

The Ugly

By that I mean it’s both good and bad: shitty, with pretty much no redeeming value, but I love it anyway. Unfortunately, Metal Mania only shows stuff like this once in a great while, even though they need to show stuff like this more often to keep me watching.

Accept

Accept: With the ugly-as-fuck German singer, Udo Dirkschneider. However, they were genuinely a good all around metal band, and “Balls to the Wall” will always be one of my favorite metal songs, despite the fact that Udo sounds exactly like Brian Johnson of AC/DC. (Video: “Balls to the Wall”)

W.A.S.P.: Blackie Lawless is the shit! The guy clearly has a sense of humor, by his attire—an open chest-to-crotch leotard equipped with circular saw blade cuffs, a flaming codpiece, and a very out-of-shape body—not to mention just about every video they ever did had something to laugh out loud at. With songs like “Fuck Like A Beast,” Blackie clearly has balls of brass! Plus he’s a huge fan of Pete Townshend, and has made it very public that he is, which is a bonus in my book. (Video: “Blind in Texas”)

Grim Reaper: Probably just about the most butt-ugly and ridiculous band that I can honestly say that I like. They’re just so corny and over-the-top, and they obviously took themselves far too seriously, and it shows. “See You in Hell,” as well as “Rock You To Hell” are the type of videos that make you watch hours and hours of Metal Mania, just waiting for them to play. (Video: “See You in Hell”)

Loudness: aka “That One Japanese Metal band Other Than EZO.” I love them! I can’t even say they’re ugly, but just really goofy and fun. I love that its easy to spot that English is not their first language, and some of their album covers could pass as FOETUS album covers! (Video: “Crazy Nights”)

Alcatrazz: They have a singer that looked like a cross between that infomercial guy from the early 90s who used to sell a Juicer machine, and porn-star low-life “Max Hardcore.” They stand out because the singer looks like he could be someone’s ugly dad! (Video: “God Blessed The Video”)

Heavy Pettin’: Absolutely hilarious! They were a Scottish group of butt-rockers that were so fucking bad, that it was almost painful to watch! The singer had probably one of the silliest voices ever recorded. Yet, as awful as they were, they were as catchy as the clap. (Video: “Rock Ain’t Dead”)

Bang Tango: This band wasn’t ugly, but I just can’t take them seriously. The Sandra Bullock-look-alike singer clearly was so in love with himself, it’s almost a train wreck to watch him play sexyboy in front of the camera. They had some musical potential, in fact they still might; from what I read, they’re still together. They could’ve passed as a Goth band if the singer didn’t pull the ball-twisting screams that were so typical of every other butt-rock band. The music is catchy regardless. (Video: “Someone Like You”)

LA Guns: Actually, I’m picky about these dirt bags. . . they’ve had 80 million different line-ups and several singers. The version I like best is the earliest stuff, with Paul Mars Black on vocals. His voice is bad, but that’s what’s so charming about it.

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