Adventures with Metal Mania: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

By Ann Clarke

I recently re-subscribed to cable TV after a three-year hiatus. There is crap on TV that I am completely out of touch with, but that’s probably a good thing. In that three-year break, I didn’t pull that shit where people claim to only “read books” just so they can one-up the rest of the world. That’s just as bad as the douchebag that watches Ultimate Fighting Championship.

Just so we’re clear, I wasn’t working on being the pretentious asshole that you’ll meet at a party who quotes Nietzsche to look smart. I didn’t subscribe to cable because I’m cheap. . . plain and simple! I’d rather eat and be able to make a rent payment, not to mention dumpster dive in the bargain bins of my favorite Cleveland-area stores. However, in that exile, I dearly missed watching VH-1 Classic, specifically Metal Mania and The Alternative. (It’s now called 120 Minutes just like the good ole’ days of MTV when they still played videos!)

Metal Mania is still regularly broadcast on the channel, but the time slots tend to be during hours that I am working or sleeping. Luckily I got a free DVR recorder with my new cable subscription! That’s such a nice thing, as I never have to miss an episode! Unfortunately, Metal Mania isn’t as varied as it once was. It’s still fun to watch, but there is far too much repetition. There seems to be a standard formula of videos that are played every episode, and most of those suck with the exception of Judas Priest and W.A.S.P.

So what have I been enjoying from this latest venture? Other than retarded nostalgia and couch sores, I do get some tidbits of amusement. The best way to break down my musical observations, is to put it in three categories. . . The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

The Good

I mean genuinely good: actual talent, solid rocking tunes. . . in essence, a band that no matter how many times they play their videos, I will watch them and not be embarrassed to admit that I genuinely like them.

Judas Priest

Judas Priest: As I mentioned already, you just can’t go wrong here. Even “Turbo Lover” is better than 95 percent of the rest of the shit by other “metal” bands. Judas Priest is really the “perfect metal band.”

Bon Scott and AC/DC: I could listen to “Jailbreak” indefinitely; that shit never gets old. (Video: “Jailbreak”)

Hanoi Rocks: I fucking love this band, and they just don’t play them enough on Metal Mania, despite the fact that they directly influenced the look of all the glammy bullshit that spewed forth later in the 80s. Plus, the death of their drummer Razzle makes me hate Motley Crue even more than I already do! (Video: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”)

Early Van Halen/solo David Lee Roth: “Diamond” David Lee will always have a place in my heart. . . what a showman! (Video: David Lee Roth, “Yankee Rose”)

The Cult

The Cult: I don’t even have to explain why this band is awesome. If you don’t already know, you’ve been living under a fucking rock!

Girlschool: I wish female musicians still rocked like this. They were unglamorous, and didn’t rely on a jailbait/sex kitten theme just to sell themselves. They did what they did, and were good at it! (Video: “Yeah, Right!”)

Rose Tattoo: A very underrated Australian Metal band, who were ugly and tough, but they were excellent without being corny. They look like they could be extras in one of my favorite low-budget films called Dead End Drive-In. (Video: “Branded”)

Megadeth: Metallica were fucking retards for kicking out Dave Mustaine; that’s all I gotta say about that!

Alice Cooper: Because he’s a legend!

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