DVD Review: The Scared Stiff Collection, Vol. 1

By Jeffery X Martin

You know that moment when you first start getting a hangnail? You know you should get the clippers and cut it off before it becomes a real hassle, but instead, you play with it. You twist it around, push it back into the already ruptured skin, or pull on it. Sometimes, you can make it bleed. It hurts. You know you should stop. You don’t even understand why you’re putting yourself through that pain. But you keep doing it because part of you, a dark nameless section of your psyche, enjoys it. It loves the pain. It needs the humiliation.

If you’re a fan of that level of masochism, you’ll have a great time with The Scared Stiff Collection, Vol. 1. Low-budget horror can be a wonderful thing. Even some zero-budget stuff can be all right. But there are some movies that are not watched as much as they are gawked at, where wretched ineptitude is the real star of the show and it hurts.

There are four movies in the first volume.

The first film is Family Secret. Nana’s dead. She was a terrible person. Even her own grandchildren couldn’t stand her, and they’re glad she’s dead. But when bodies start piling up, all eyewitness accounts point towards dead Nana as being the killer. The problem is since Nana is dead, she doesn’t move fast enough. There’s not a single character to like in this movie, and the viewer’s instinct will be to wish every single one of them dead.

There’s a gigantic misogynistic streak in this film. Women are constantly insulted, demeaned, and abused. You’ll get that from practically any slasher flick, but the horrible treatment of women is supposed to pass as exposition and something to carry the plot forward. Instead, it makes one furious with all the men for mistreating their partners and even more angry with the women for staying with such awful men. It’s a no-win situation for the characters and the viewers, but one that can be easily avoided by not watching this movie.

The second film, Shallow Creek Cult, is a found-footage film about a couple of hunters who stumble upon a group of cannibals in the woods. Are they friends? Are they brothers? Do they enjoy a form of lawyer/client confidentiality? There’s no way of knowing, because the sound quality is so bad, it is impossible to make out what’s going on. With actors either too close to the mic or far away from it, this movie is a giant garble. There are no subtitles available, either.

Scarecrows can be scary, and one would be right to have their hopes raised by a film called Rise of the Scarecrows. The movie is written and directed by the same person who made Family Secret, Geno McGahee, who seems to delight in filling his scripts with unnecessary profanity, dialogue that demeans women, and pointless montages set to the worst buttrock this side of Five Seether Death Trapt. The movie has something to do with an evil sheriff who commands an army of evil scarecrows. People curse, call women “whores,” and die in a remarkably bloodless fashion. I suppose it’s bloodless because the scarecrows are obviously not striking their victims with their weapons. Every time they attack, it’s like a terrible fight on the original Star Trek between Shatner’s stunt double and a big green alien.

There is a high point, and it goes by the name of Evil Legacy. That’s a generic name for a clever found-footage movie about a cursed statue of the goddess, Ixtab. She’s the goddess of suicide, which every religion needs at least one of, and when her talisman ends up at a dinner party, things become self-harmy in a most creepy way. Evil Legacy takes advantage of the security cameras placed throughout the house in an effective manner and the ending is well done and surreal.

It is a welcome respite from the active pain, caused by the ineptness inflicted by the other three films in the set. No worries, though. There are two other volumes left. Flip your hangnails out.

Scared Stiff Vol. 1 was released via October 21, 2014 via Cinema Epoch.