It’s the start of a brand new year. Everything is fresh, untainted, golden. You can change your life! You can change the world!
At least that’s what we convince ourselves will happen. Truth is, the pressure of living up to your own outlandish expectations often means that the only things you’ll change at the start of a new year are your sheets.
Here are some New Year’s Resolutions we might actually stick to.
By Laura L.
These are not so much resolutions, as predictions.
- Ben Stiller and Michael Caine will team up in the block-busting, uh, blockbuster, We”ll Be In Your Movie! (No, Seriously. We Will.). A buddy-cop sequence will be involved, with a cameo from Owen Wilson (or Luke, if Owen is unavailable).
- Teen-pop will make a full-fledged comeback with the theatrical release of High School Musical 3 and Jamie-Lynn Spears’s first album Baby, Don’t Drop Me.
- Elton John and Rosie O’Donnell will have a feud. Why? I don’t know—it’s just bound to happen. Expect Donald Trump to publicly call them both “fat,” “washed-up,” and “with significant others too good for them.” Shall Donald Trump not fill this role, Boy George will.
- The GEICO cavemen, undaunted by their flop of a sitcom, will release a feature film. You will find it in the $5.88 bin at Wal-Mart sometime in the fall.
- Another eighties cartoon will once again be tarnished in the form of a big-budget motion picture. (Sadly, this one’s most likely, as I read the IMDB.)